At the moment Wife-unit is struggling with that illness that was featured in that Matt Damon documentary, Contagion. So last night, even though Hallowe’en is one of her favourite nights of the year, I was on door duty as about 80 local kids called around looking for e-numbers and sugar. My constant having to run to the door to hand out fistfuls of Haribo packets is not even the reason I ruined the dinner I was cooking. Let’s just say comforting mashed potato and sausages became some ketchup laden sausage sandwiches as I turned the mashed potato into a strange substance used by film effects supervisors to make people’s skin look zombified.
Wife-unit pointed out astutely that the cutest of all the visitors are the ones who feverishly pound the bottom of our front door because they can’t reach the bell. Of course I always fear that those little fellas aren’t children at all, but dwarves dressed as children who intend to use the trick or treat phenomenon as an excuse to break in, steal your money, ransack your belongings and desecrate your copy of the Church Dogmatics. But I suppose I get paranoid this time of year.
By the way, Christians are total midgets when it comes to enjoying themselves. Hallowe’en has been subject to a fresh onslaught from idiotic Christians who think that it is intrinsically pagan and therefore bad but who wholeheartedly enjoy Christmas, a festival that began as pagan and has now returned to paganism. Jesusween is the latest effort towards baptising the fun out of October 31st.
Instead of celebrating Hallowe’en (also when stroppy Christians discuss it they’ll wrap ironic inverted commas around “celebrate” to clarify that hey, they’re not against fun they just think dunking for apples is a gateway liturgy to gnosticism) some protestant Christians actually commemorate Reformation Day. They obviously haven’t gotten the whole point of being a Protestant. Being a Protestant is not a good thing in and of itself. We should mourn for the fact that we’re still Protestants. The Protestant church is a reform movement. It looks forward to the day when the particular issues that had to be raised by Calvin and Luther and Zwingli and those lads get resolved and we can all go back to being a happy family again. The day the Western church split in two is not a day to commemorate anymore than the day you storm out on a friend because you discover they are the kind of people who take illicit bites out of cookies in Marks and Spencers before putting the cookie back on the tray is a cause to remember.
The Reformation was necessary and remains necessary. That this is so is deeply unfortunate. I have written about this before.
So alongside Reformation Day let’s remember July 15, in honour of the day in 1099 that Western Christians sacked the city of Jerusalem, killing every human they could find regardless of the fact that many of them were Christian until rivers of blood ran through the streets.
After all, that is the day the Crusades won their glorious victory so let us remember it!
Or we could start a holiday on January 29th to remember the birth of Pope Sergius III. He had another Pope killed and fathered a child who he later arranged to have made Pope and became known as John XI.
After all, that is a day when we can remember family values. Blood is thicker than water. Remember that and remember Sergius III!
Finally, personally, I think Easter is becoming too commercialised and Easter eggs are pagan. So let’s dump it and replace it with a party day on April 17 to remember the massacre of anyone with any connection to Judaism that happened in Lisbon in 1506. Although being a Jew was illegal at the time, many good Christians surmised that the months long plague afflicting the region must have been caused by people secretly continuing to practice the faith of their Lord and Saviour. So they rounded up the Jews who had been forced to become Christian and killed them.
This would be an excellent holiday as we seek to teach fellow Christians about the dangers of secularisation. Scientists and media types have been hammering us with the propaganda that disease is caused by tiny little creatures that infect us- not by the worship of false gods (especially when the false worship is confusingly directed towards the one true God YHWH!). We could call it Lisboa Day and drink non-alcoholic port!
No need to thank me for these awesome ideas for how to avoid anti-Christian festival days. I’m just one more Christian doing my job of being an irrelevant evangelist fighting battles with foes that don’t exist!
Your Correspondent, Sadly feels a need to remind you his tongue is in his cheek