Somewhere in America some preacher has said sometime that Christianity is masculine. I wrote about this on Friday and my friend Debo disagreed with my basic claim that whenever celebrity is involved, theologically we’re stuck in a powers and principalities situation and we’re better off patiently waiting for the nonsense to die down.
So in the interest of listening to the good in that which I disagree with and in keeping Debo on my side, here’s my positive engagement with the stupid waste of time that is the “masculine Christianity” furore. If Christianity is masculine, then you should be masculine. I, as a paragon of masculinity, will show you how, in five easy steps.
Masculinity is usually taken to mean the cultural norms attached to biological maleness. Fancy pants pretend-thinkers will contrast this against a hypothetical exaggeration they call machismo and a hypothetical under-statement they’ll define as effeminacy. Of course, all masculinity theologies will express themselves as machismo driven by a fear of the effiminate but let’s not get caught up in the silly argument. Let’s make a list!
1. Shower often but only use shower gel. Shampoo is for girls who worry about shiny hair. Conditioner is for girls who want their hair to bounce. You want your hair to rock. So buy the cheapest show shower gel possible, redirect money saved to buying cigars and keep showering because let’s be honest, you produce such prodigious amounts of sweat doing manly things that you have to keep up a tight regime.
2. Learn everything you can about doing sex. Sometimes people call it “doin’ it”. Other times they say “gettin’ it on”. The key things are to never call it “making love” and to always drop hanging g’s at the end of words. Also, of course, read books and webpages about being effective at it. Cos nothing makes a lady go weak at the knees quite like a man with a studied knowledge of how to kiss their neck (but algebra runs it close). That kind of secret knowledge is priceless.
3. Grow muscles. This should be taken for granted. If you are going to demand, like a good heterosexual man that your lady should have no fat, you should have many muscles. That is the way to achieve balance in your relationship. That and having her to submit to all the important decisions you make. I have a doctor friend who says that muscles exist on all human bodies, but I never trust science unless I hear it from a German accent and so when I say muscles I mean big prominent veiny muscles. What is more masculine than that?
4. Know the Bible. God is a man, right? God knows the Bible cos he wrote it. So you should know it too. The best way to do this is probably to use down time in your week, like Sunday mornings, to listen to mp3s of brilliant male Bible teachers. Their churches usually give them away for free. Listen, take notes and defend these teachings at every opportunity.
5. Be sure of yourself. If someone challenges something you’ve done, or questions your opinion, or doesn’t immediately like you and everything you do, I recommend that you act like the lion you are and face that sonofabitch down. That is what being sure of yourself means. You can learn alot about this certainty from reading self help books.
You might say, “Self help? Isn’t that only for girly weak-wristed book-readers?” That is true in a way, but shut up and listen to me! When you think about it, what can be more manly than helping yourself, without any assistance? The self help books I mean are written by Christian pastors who give you easy ways to navigate through your life. If they have this logo on the books then they are solid gold. Take everything in them seriously. And anyone who doesn’t, well ruin them. Cos that is what it means to be a man and be sure of yourself.
Your Correspondent, Can’t tell the difference between masculinity and stupidity